Day 3.1: If you are an Asian, you will definitely understand what I said.

It's been the third day. My mom is still ignoring me, not that I have the courage to speak to her either but you know, its rather sad when our pride and ego has overpowered us so much that it covers our eyes to see things properly and make us hurt each other this way. Yeah, I know.. Asian problems...

So, today I went to school as well, my friend gave me a ride. In a way, I was somewhat better but still, the pain of being disapproved was killing me. At class, the bubbly little classmates of mine are very anxious about Rillakuma. They are literally stalking his Facebook in front of me, which I don't really mind. But still, I was kind of embarassed at the same time.

There are all sorts of reaction coming from them. I felt a sense of proud when they were praising Rilakkuma's work on Facebook. You know, when someone says your partner did amazing things, you will automatically felt happy and proud of them. I was like that especailly because I know how much effort he put in each and every single one of his work. I'm really proud of you Rilakkuma, and I know you can do better in this.

Well, that's that and then...the funny part came. Rillakuma used to have long straight hair. And he is really skinny. I remember alot of people has mistaken him for a girl back then especially when you see him from the back view. So, when my classmates saw his long hair pictures, they were asking who is that person and some even asked, is that his sister? I'm not gonna lie, but yeah, I laughed! It was really funny. After I have calmed down from laughing, I told them that was Rilakkuma.

They were so shocked, they actually zoomed the picture and have that really exaggerated expression as the detaily looked at the picture again. Oh my god... I can still remember their face when they did that!! Haha!

And then, that's school. Another day has passed but I really don't want to go back home yet. I did rather stayed at school than go home and face walls, so yeah, I stayed at school. I know. I know, right now I might be very rebellious, very selfish but if you look at it in a different perspectives, you will see I am actually not being that rebellious.

I used to heard this tale, I don't remember where I heard this but I remember it clearly its about a conversation between Confucius and a kid that was frequently beaten up by his father.

Confucius asked the boy,"Boy, why are you letting your father hit you everyday? why won't you fight back?"
"I shouldn't fight back. This is prove of me being a loyal child and not sinned to the family," says the boy.
Confucius listens carefully and then replies,"But, if your father hits you to death, you would have made him sinned. Then you are in fault too."
The boy was stunt for a moment, but he knows Confucius was right about it. Feeling burdened, he asked, "Then what should I do now?"

Confucius calmly just, "In order to not sinned and make your father sinned, you should... avoid him."

I don't know how, but this tale struck me. If you can't fight it, you void it. If you are an Asian, you will definitely understand what I said. Because eversince young we, Asian children are being taught to accept, listen and respect the elders no matter what situation it is. So at some point in life, when we start to have our thoughts in something and we wanted to express it out, a part of us know, its impossible to convey what we want or think about because it is consider disrespectful to the elders and they hardly even listen which is an irony in the Asian lifestyle. And in the end, we keep it to ourselves.

I'm sorry if I sounded rude now but Asian elders, especially really conservatives one, believes they  are the only one who can think better and knows what's best for us youngsters. But they don't. The world is changing and young people has their own thoughts for things. Its just that we have always been taught to accept and respect in this traditional culture of being Asian sometimes, us, youngsters we didn't get to sound out what we think.

Well, I'm not saying that we should dumped the tradition of being Asian, what I am saying is, I just hope elders could listen and accept our thoughts as well. Yes, I respect you but, please clear your mind and listen to me. Seriously we are not even trying to be secretive or being delusional in our world, we just couldn't get you, the elders to see what we see and think how we think.

Okay...I got a little off track now about Asian culture, but my point in my story now is since my parents are so strongly disapproving me now, I felt like I can't get it through no matter what I said to them. So in the end, I choose to avoid them. It wasn't on purpose and its definitely not forever but atleast for now, I think I need to have some space. I hope you can listen someday... You will right??

Day 2.5 : For once, I don't feel alone. Atleast not like before.

Ah.. What should I tell him now?

This is a mess. If I lie, it's only gonna be worst, right? I should just tell him.

"I walk to school today?"
"What?! You should've call. I can pick you up...somewhere."

He must have been worried for awhile when I said I walked to school. Sorry, Rillakuma.

"So you walk alone?" He asked.
"Nah.. My dad walks with me."
"Ouh, so he was okay then?"
"I don't know. He was pretty much still very angry at me too."
"Oh... Be patience, okay.."
"Okay.."
"So how are you going tomorrow?"
"I don't know...I'm still in a mess. But its okay. Tomorrow my friend will fetch me if i still have to walk."
"Oh... That's good then."

I don't know what he was really feeling back then, but his last reply sounded solemnly down. But, I think I...made him feel bad about us.

We chatted for a while. And then later, me and my friend went home. My mom is still very much angry at me so she is ignoring me.

I need to give her some time to calm down after all. Time is what we need... That's what I trust.

While settling down my things, my phone vibrates again for incoming messages from him. He asked me if I have safely reached home.

I don't deny that one part of me was being oversensitive, I was still thinking maybe Rillakuma felt bad about us thus he texted me to make sure I've reached home safely. Yea... I know, paranoia much of me.

But then again, it was also a really heart warming moment for me. I felt as if he was sitting near me, talking and chatting with me. For once, I don't feel alone. Atleast not like before.

Day 2.4 : Maybe I was selfishly only thinking of myself, but he must have felt bad in a way when he hears that from me that time.

Eventhough I have my friends with me, I couldn't hide the fact that I am still very much hurt by what my family did to us.

My classes ends but I don't want to go back home yet. I stayed in the library with the excuse of studying at school. Glasses offer to accompany me. Yea... I was very thankful of her kindness for me.

Sitting there while trying to read some history notes, my phone vibrated for a moment. I looked at the screen. It was a text message from Rillakuma.

He asked me,"Are you okay? Feeling better now??"

My heart sank. What should I tell him now? Should I just lied that I'm okay?No?

Slowly I was tearing up again. It was a good thing that we only texted each other that time. You would know what I mean.

"Not really. But I'm fine."
"What happened? :("
"Well, she doesn't even want to look at me."
"Oh... Let her some time to calm down then."
"Yea I know."

Maybe I was selfishly only thinking of myself, but he must have felt bad in a way when he hears that from me that time.

"So, how's school?"
"Not bad. It's a little tiring though."
"Eh? Assignments much?"
"No, silly. When has I ever lamented about tiring assignments anyway..."
"Okay, then, what was it?"

Oh, shoot! I should have just go along with the assignment thingie. What should I say now...?

Day 2.3 : Its something simple to learn about friendship

I hide my face, covering them with my hands as I continue to cry bitterly. Pillow who was sitting closest to me hug me and gently pat my back. The rest of them kept silent.

I didn't see it but I somehow knew they were feeling down like me. After awhile, I finally calmed down. When I look up, they are crying with me. We laughed at each others teary faces.

Then, Chicky asked,
"Feeling better now?"

I nodded and wipe off the tears from my face.

"Kitty, you must be brave and be patient.. You will find your way in this. We are here with you, okay," said Sweet.

"Yes, I know. Thank you."

"Anything don't hesitate to tell us," says Cheer.

"Yea, all of us will be your listeners," says Pillow.

"Don't be sad okay," Glasses said,"You look better when you smile."

At this, I smiled again. I know how lucky I am to have them with me at times like this.

This is what friends do, when we are happy, we laugh together, when one of us is down, we cry together.

Its something simple to learn about friendship that not everyone understand because not everyone.... Is lucky enough to find such friends in life.

Thank you for existing in my life. I will remember all of you forever.

Day 2.2 : This situation, this fear... It does happen in reality...

I remember not long before, when I was watching a drama, the heroine of the show would keep talking nervously about random things with a smiling face whenever she was afraid. At one of the scene, she cried silently and when she was found out, again she started talking about random things nervously.

She keeps talking and talking nervously while her tears is still streaming down. She only stop when the hero hold her shoulder and asked her what is she afraid of. At this, she cried even more and gently she says,

I was afraid if you would be angry at me... 

I thought this kind of situation and these emotions, they will only happens in a drama. I really thought that way....

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For a moment, I was really shocked. It was like nothing happened at all. I could even smile when they congratulate me about us.

I sat down and my five cute bubbly friends look at me eagerly, waiting for me to tell the story. Well, I should introduce them first.

The fluffy one sitting next to me is Pillow. The one infront of me is Glasses. On the left side, we have Sweet and then there's Chicky and Cheer.

I didn't know what to say. I look at them with a puzzled feeling.

"Don't you have anything to tell us today?" said Chicky.
"Yea.. Okay, how long have you known each other?" asked Cheer.

"5 years I think.."

"5 years?! Wow!!! That's a really long time!!" Pillow exclaimed.

"Well, I guess we took quite sometime to understand this...both of us."

"Who was the one to confess first?" Sweet finally asked. I didn't know why, but I start talking. In a quick pace.

"I did. I was the one who confess first. I was the one who say yes.."

"Woah... Slo.."
"I was the one who is stupid enough to believe my family would accept us. I was the one who told them straight away when I started to be in a relationship."
"Hey, Kitty.."
"I was the one who have to choose between him and my family in the same day. I was the one who told him about everything on the first day of our relationship. What should I do now? I must have broke his heart... What should I do? Can anyone tell me what should I do now? Please... Any of you... Tell me what to do..."

I couldn't hold it in afterall. It happen just like the scene in the drama.

Because you was afraid, you start talking faster and faster. Because you were actually worried, you smile subconsciously to hide it. Even when you start shaking in nervousness, you just keep talking. And then, tears will start to fall and it's getting even harder to breathe, yet you still don't stop a word. This situation, this fear... It does happen in reality....

Day 2.1 : But I know its impossible to turn things around now.

Its Monday. A start of a new week. I wake up early as I get myself ready for school. Mom still doesn't want to look at me. I understand. She's probably think I wronged her too much. At the thought of this, I sighed.

Well, whatever it is, I still need to get to school anyway. School doesn't wait. After I've get myself ready, I walk my way to school. For the first time, I walk myself to school.

I tried to forget it. What happen yesterday... For a moment, I hope nothing happen at all. But I know its impossible to turn things around now.

Ah, right. My friends... I promise I would tell them all about it today. How should I tell them now?

I was so immersed in my thoughts, I didn't even realised when one of my friend suddenly jump at me and hugs me. I was stunned by the sudden commotion. I can't even remember who hugged me back then.

The only thing that I heard was,"Congratulations Kitty! I still can't believe it but I am so happy for you."

Upon hearing that, I smiled.

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Okay, here's a short unrelated story. I thought it might be interesting so yea, do read on!

In the early time of my highschool years, I used to hate arts. I used to fail the subject because I hated every single theory about it.

It was until that one day, I saw my crush, well first crush, drawing on a piece of paper. The drawing wasn't really that amazing but I was somewhat amazed by his passion and naturally I tried to draw.

Art is really addictive. The uglier my drawing turns out, the more I want to get better than my current state. I was still in the early stage of catching my interest in arts but I caught someone else interest instead. My crush!

Apparently he start to take notice of me when I was busy struggling to draw. He is a nice guy. He asks for my opinion about his work and he gives me useful way to improve my drawing.

Maybe I was embarrassed when my crush is helping me that way, I was quite harsh to him. Well, up to the point, I remember he did said, "Even if every girl in this world has ceased, I still won't date her!" I remember how I angrily replied," Like you are the only guy in this world that would date me! Don't think of yourself so highly!"

Okay... Maybe I was too harsh on him. But then, the funny turns of event.. We did dated for awhile. He is surprisingly sweet but we still end quite abruptly.

It was really my fault. I was too scared to be serious, we are both so young! And after the breakup, I felt more comfortable being his friend and I realise I was plainly admiring him for being himself all this time, not that kind of feeling for him. Too bad he was thinking otherwise...and it started to became creepy and ended in a really bad way.

Let's not talk about him now. On the bright side, I get more and more interested with arts and the happiest part, I got A+ for my art subject in my finals! For a person who used to fail in arts like me, it was really one of best memory of my highschool life.

Well, I guess I need to thank my first crush for inspiring me back then. I wouldn't have end up enjoying drawing and arts if it wasn't for you!

Day 1.5 : I can felt it... Eventhough it was merely through his one text.

I am still thinking about what should I do next? As I think about it the more, my tears keep coming non stop. I stare at my phone.

Should I tell him? He will be heartbroken if he knew...But who else can I talk to?

No. This isn't right. Things like this isn't something I should hide. If I start hiding things from him now, I will hide even more things from him in the future. He would hate it even more if I did that.

I pick up my phone. I wanted to call but I don't want him to hear my crying voice. I texted him instead.

"Hey, you busy now?"
"No... Doing work now. Why? Is everything alright? :)"

I was trying to hold it in, but that question... That one question throws me back at reality. My tears start to fall again. How I wish he was here with me...

With trembling hands, I carefully type out every word I want to say.

"I'm not okay..."
"What happen?"

I told him everything. How my family reacted about us. How they disapprove of us. Everything.

As I read his reply, I cry even more. I can felt it. How hurt he is hearing all that from me. And how helpless he felt for not being able to console me and be by my side that time. I can felt it... Eventhough it was merely through his one text.

In a situation like this, we don't have much choice to choose. We don't want my family to hate us, and we don't want to let go either. In the end, we chosed a choice. To stay together. To be with each other. Eventhough we must lie about us.

He might not know this, but I felt that I have wronged him so much that time. How can I did this to him? To us?

Having him to learn the harsh truth from me, to have to lie for me and accept all this without a single lament... A guy like him, Why is he so kind to me?

That night... I cry myself to sleep. I think I found him. A guy who will truly loves me but... I've hurt him right from the first day. I'm sorry my Rillakuma. Sorry for hurting you like this. Sorry.